Does it get easier?

Does it get easier?

It has been almost 9 months since my mother passed. Even though I know she is in a better place it still feels like she just left. It still does not feel real and every day I think about picking up the phone and calling her. The last three days have been very hard for me. Today is a good a day, but the past three days I was angry and sad. There were plenty of times I'd be in the middle of doing something and the tears would just roll down my cheeks. My cousin who lost her mom 4 years ago says she still has this problem. I can say that I luckily do not have to go through this completely alone. I laid in bed last night and couldn't fall asleep and all I could think about was my mom. I politely asked her to help me fall asleep because I had to much to focus on today to be tired and next thing I know I woke up. I'm not sure if it was her or if I was just tired enough to finally pass out, but I thanked her anyways. I'm not sure that it truly gets easier, I think the thoughts just become less. No matter what everyone always tells you to think about the positive things. The day my mood started to change I said something to my husband about it and he told me " she wouldn't want you to be sad babe". That was comforting to me, but than again my mother knew that I suffer from Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder.  What you don't know is that my husband experienced the same loss about 3 years ago now. He's a man though so he's good at hiding his feeling and never really seems to have any bad days because of it. 

Even with everyone that I know that have experienced this kind of loss whether it has been 3 days, 9 months or 9 years they all say and feel the same way. As time goes on it gets easier to bare, but the loss will never stop hurting. It is up to you to find ways to cope with it. Find a hobby that will replace spare time so you have less of it to dwell. Believe it or not, I eat soft batch chocolate chip cookies three days a week because they were my mother's favorite cookies. It helps me to feel closer to her. That is one positive thing that I can incorporate into my life to keep her alive for me. 

The hardest part is realizing how much you counted on that person in life. Whether it was for a conversation, to see at get together's, email once in a while, or whatever it was. I use to have a habit of calling my mom on the way home from work and that was the hardest part to get over.  I still have days where I want to call her on my way home, whether it's to complain about my sister or my day or to see what she did that day. That part gets easier so I would imagine the rest does too. Just know that in some ways yes it  gets easier, but it will never just be a second thought. I hope this helped in some way, I know it helps me to be able to write about it.

What is loss? Where can you get answers and help..

By definition

Loss is "the fact or process of losing something or someone. Also known as "the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something with value."

To me that is just about the perfect way to explain it. As I sit here and try to think of a better way to explain it i can't. When I sit and think about loss I think about the empty void that is not only in my heart but in my soul. Void can stand for completely empty when used as an adjective, which I thing is the best way to use it in this situation. I believe the void is what makes us feel emptiness and blank. I know I feel both of these things and as time goes on they don't just get better. It's a very slow healing process and for me it just seems to be getting worse. I know you can't always control how you feel, but I believe in order to make it better faster I need to find something to fill that void and I'm not quite really sure what that is.  As I mentioned before that I started seeing a psychiatrist and it has helped.  In only two sessions it has already helped me stop taking my anger out on my daughter. I know it's not her fault that she has ADHD or that I'mm trying to cope with something she doesn't understand. 
Talking to a 4 year old will let you know what it's like to not have a care in the world, but also will show how it's nice to still be young enough to not be bothered by things that are sometimes life halting to use. I love her to death, but she has no problem telling complete strangers that her grandma died, I know she doesn't understand that it upsets me, because it brings back a little more pain every time. She though is not old enough to understand, because she will then turn around and ask me why she died or how come she hasn't come back as a zombie yet. lol That always makes me giggle. He brother that is 8, never brings it up, kind of like it didn't happen. Almost as though  he didn't know my mother and in which case he really didn't, but if his sister mentions it to him you can see him tear up. Even though he didn't know her well it still upsets him. He is my sensitive guy like his Momma and very easy to set off like both his parents. My oldest which is 12, well I'm not sure how he handles it. He never says a word about it, just always memories from her house when he was little, but nothing about her being gone. He is Autistic and I love him for it more and more all the time. He is my eye opener to new things though.

Enough about me, I wanted to give you a few sites that may be able to help you out during this time . These are just some I have found that might be useful  to you.

 If your looking for someone to talk to you can check out https://www.mastersincounseling.org/loss-grief-bereavement.html

If you would like some more information or to learn of some of the myths and facts about grieving this is a good site. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

If you'd like to create a tribute for someone you can go here.. 
http://www.muchloved.com/gateway/death-of-a-loved-one.htm

ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS!!!!

Major decisions after a loss!!!

When you experience a major loss in life it can flip your entire world upside down. It can make you question a lot in your life. For instance who you are, where your at in life, what could have been different and the hardest thing I believe is will that happen to me. Everyone is well aware that at some point in life everyone leaves. As we all know that every life must come to an end. We as humans start fading away the day we are born, it's just part of nature. When the time comes that someone you love leaves you for eternity there are things everyone should remember and to me the biggest thing is not to make and major or hasty decisions in life.

They say you should wait at least 6 months to make any major choices after losing a loved one. The rule of thumb is to wait until you have went through the roller-coaster of emotions that is entailed with this loss. The main thing you want to worry about is yourself. If you are not well then you can not make any informed decisions. If there is something you want to do after your loss, like perhaps wanting to move for some reason, it is wise to make the choice so that it is reversible. Like going to stay some where else for a while, but if you change your mind you would still have the option to return to your original setting. I can definitely see why this is important to remember. You may not know that I currently live in Michigan, but since my mothers passing I have been in Missouri. I love it here and feel closer to my mother, it's like I know she is still in this house. I have thought about moving here, because when I went home for a few days I felt lost, but I know for my own personal reasons I can not stay here.

I know I started trying to make all these hasty decisions and once I started trying to work on them, I get over stressed and it's just not worth it. I wanted to start my business up that I had been working on for years, I even went as far as making up the business plan to present to the loaner and everything. I made a logo. That didn't last very long so that got thrown out the window. I then tried getting back into school so that way I could finish my Bachelors in Business Management to continue to run my father's business, but that too fell through: 1) my dad gave up on the business, something he worked hard at and wanted for a lot of years and 2) I owed money for past classes,because well neither the school or I are perfect. I did make the decision to get married and that is the one major decision I made right after my mother left us that has stuck. It's isn't going perfectly as planned,but that's just how it goes.  Yes I wish she was here too celebrate it with me, but then again if it wasn't for her passing I may have never made it to this point.

I suggest you write everything you want to do or plan to do down after the  loss of a loved one. The smaller ones you can start with but I say wait 3 months, go back to the list and see how you still feel about it. If then you still feel comfortable starting one of the middle tasks go head, but make sure you didn't give up on the little project first. If you did, you most likely are not ready for anything bigger. The next mark would be the 6 month part. If you can wait the full six months to come back to the list awesome, but if not, now is the time to see how and where you are on the other projects you started and go from there. If you get to the 6 month mark and you are doing good with stress and taking care of yourself and you come back to this list, pick anything off the list you want to do and go for it. The majority of people are not done grieving in the 6 months time so it may take you longer to start things and that's OK. Just please take the advise and not jump into anything you may regret in a short period of time. 

Doing what I always said I would!!!

I know it's been a while since I have posted on here and I know I'm not helping other, by not doing so. I have finally started doing the things I told my mother I would. The things my mother and I always talked about was health and life. Neither of us had or has a very exciting life, I can say that mine is now getting better, unfortunately it had to be after my mother was gone, but than again I'll take it any way I can get it. There are three things imp-articular that goes along with our talks.

The major thing we always talked about was my physical health. My health scared my mother because it was mimicking her health. Our problems both started around the same age. The only problem was she knew about the health issues I already had, and knew I didn't need any more. It's been now 6 months since my Mother passed and I finally found a doctor to see and am trying to work on getting all my health issues taken care of for at least now. I do need medications and not having them isn't helping the grieving process. Yes I a still grieving and no one can tell me any different. So far I have seen the doctor once, told her exactly what I want done and now it's wait a month till we get your records back. Which means nothing to  me for the fact that I know my mom is happy  just knowing that I am doing something about it.

I started seeing a Therapist lately. I have only actually seen him twice, but so far it is working. This is one thing I HIGHLY RECOMMEND for anyone grieving a loved one. I always had the notion that they were just gonna sit and judge me and this and that. I PROMISE you it's nothing like that and I'm loving the results I am getting from seeing my therapist..I have already stopped  crying as much at odd times. When I want to cry I just try to think of something happy like a good memory and it is getting better, I will not say easier, just better. I have noticed being less stressed out and have not been yelling at my daughter as much. Therapy id the one key I think to getting my mind right and I know many have different opinions about things and I would like to hear them if you read this.

The last thing I finally did was go back to school. I was in college and I gave it up, because it got to be what I considered to hard. Honestly I just get bored easily, so I stopped. Well I changed schools because that had part to do with it and I also changed majors. I now attend Phoenix Online and am working on my Bachelors in Human Services with a Certification in Addiction. I figured why not right. If you read a couple of my other blogs, which I need to work on some time, you will see that addiction has been around me for a long time and I think it just took that one little push over the edge (losing mom) to notice that it's something I have a lot of experience with and have always had in my life at one point or another. This will be an awesome thing I do believe.

Even though you may not have done things while someone was with you in life, doesn't mean you can't do them after they are gone. I have to pretty much learn to not rely on my mother any more even though I did so for 31 years. She was always my shining light and had all the answers or so it seemed. I know that even though she is not here with me, she knows I am finally done procrastinating and getting on with my life, because I have seen reality before me and I do think my mother for that. I even go out of my comfort zone with cooking now, that way I can try new things and take my mind off of other things. I'm trying to see the loss as a reason to try and fill  the void with new things and you never know what you might fall in love with doing or just something to revert to when you need a stress release. My best recommendation for stress relief is therapy or a massage.. 

A rough one..

Today is a rough one for me. I am really feeling the strain of losing my mother. It feels as though the whole world is against me today or at least pulling at me in one way or another. This is one of my bad days. I want to curl up in a ball in a corner and just be left alone. I don't know how to feel, what to say or how deal with normal daily life today. I have lost my appetite for the day, but knowingly I'm making myself eat because I know I have too. Today is the hardest day yet I have had through this experience. If I could give anything today I would give everything to just be able to sit down and talk to my MOM. People will tell you that they can help or that it's just one day, but today leads to tomorrow and if you don't get what your thinking and feeling under control it will just continue. They say that when you miss someone to think of all the good things. Good memories and things like that, but some days it just makes things worse. My mother was my go to person, my best friend and the woman I looked up to, knowing I don't have that anymore just feels like the bricks falling on my heart. Today feels like the perfect day to throw all cares away and just get drunk. I know this is not the answer or any way of going about fixing and problems so for that reason I will not do this, but that's how I can sum up my feelings for today. The odd part is my day started out OK, I mean I felt off, but was still pretty happy. I did some work on starting my business, but as the night goes on, the thoughts and feeling flood through my mind and heart. The only thing I can keep telling myself is that at 30 years old it shouldn't have this effect on me. I don't have time for this in my life, well like I've said before mourning comes in waves and this is a big one.. Tomorrow I will probably wake up peachy keen and in a great mood. It's just a rough one...

My mother was beautiful, selfless, tough and humble. She always looked mad, but you could never tell by her voice if she was. My mother never really showed or voiced any emotions. She never told you if you were a bad person, she always tried to see the good in people. I remember growing up my mother found out I smoked, she never said anything to me about it. One day when I went back into the house because I forgot my cigarettes she just had this sarcastic way of letting me know I was doing something she didn't really approve up, but couldn't really tell me I couldn't because she did. My mother didn't look down on us kids for our choices in life, she believed in us learning from our own mistakes. My biggest fear in life use to be ending up like her, but the older I get I wish I was more like her than I am. She was an awesome mother, grandmother, aunt and sister and I wouldn't have chosen anyone else to be like. 

Catching up!!!

I haven't posted in this Blog since I started it, and I'm not sure why.. I know why, I found something to occupy my time and make me not think about what had just happened in my life. It still isn't necessarily a realization that my mother is even gone. Ever day since I have woke up in her home and it's as if she is still here. I know she will not get out of bed for the day, but that is OK with me. The realization doesn't actually set in until I need someone to talk to about things in life. My mother bless her heart was my best friend and most of the time what felt like my only friend. When life gave me problems I went to my mother. If you think about it we are generally and I know not in all cases, we are raised to depend on our mothers. If you can't find something you ask mom, if you need and opinion you ask mom, if you know you did something you shouldn't you hope your mom will save you. When you are sick you want your mom, when you are scared you look to your mom to save you. It's all about our programming as children, and woman are suppose to be the nurturer in life.

I will write a lot about my mother because she is the person closest to me that I lost next to my Aunt Pam, those women where the two women that I looked up to in life. Everything in this blog can go for anyone that you have lost in your life. As I sit here and look at my daughter I just hope that when it becomes my time that I have prepared her enough in life to deal with it and manage with out me in life. I know that she independent enough and will live on with out me, but I hope that it isn't as tough on her as it was me. I know this will not happen and in a way I will be glad for that, but again it too breaks my heart a little.

I will end this on a positive note though. No matter what happens in life whether now or 20 years from now, I can truly say that my mother will still be there to guide me and show me the way. Even though she isn't here in person I know she is with me where ever I go and is always looking over our family and without saying a word giving us the answers we need. 

The loss..

The Loss

      Let me introduce myself, my name is Nikki and I am 30 years old.. I suffer from anxiety, bipolar disorder and manic depression. I decided to start this blog because I just recently lost my mother. I never in my wild dreams it would happen so soon, but that's how most of us are. Generally with the "it won't happen to me" attitude. My mother passed away on Jan 16,2016 due to a mix of pneumonia and kidney failure. It was more the kidney's then anything else, but to make a long story short she had been sick for years with different health problems. 

   As I myself am fresh at learning to deal with this, I wanted to start this blog so that maybe I could help someone else through this process. It will be a tell all about my days and how they change from one moment to another at any given time. I will also be throwing in some helpful tips as well as sites that have informational things on them. I have to say I give credit to all the people that have lost a loved one and their ability to deal with it. Yes I have lost many other family members over the years, but I have to say losing my mother has been the hardest yet. I did lose my aunt three years ago brain cancer and that wasn't easy either due to her being like my second mother, but still not quite as hard.

   Most people take their time with going through a loved ones items and normally it takes a few months, maybe even a year before they get to that point. I on the other hand have not had that chance. I had to start sorting through my mother's things the day after she passed. I haven't really had time for to fully sink in that she is not here any longer. I am currently at my parents house and every morning I wake up and wait for my mom to get out of bed, but it never happens. I feel as though she is on vacation some where that I am not and just has not returned.This is where DENIAL comes in.  I guess that is one way you could look at death, is as a permanent vacation for them. I am glad though that my mother is no longer suffering from any of her medical ailments and that she is in total comfort and peace. I still even at 30 feel like I am trapped in a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. 

   Like I stated before I really haven't had time for it to fully sink in that my mother is no longer here, so I haven't really started the grieving process. I can say that due to this though I haven't had to many bad days. The night she left us was very difficult, but I have since smiled and laughed. I know to expect good and bad days and I am perfectly OK with that. I know as we all do, that death is a natural part of life even though we never want it to hit close to home. No matter if you know it is coming or not you will never be fully prepared for it when it does strike. 

   The night my mother passed away I cried myself to sleep. That was no big deal to me and I completely expected that to happen. The next couple nights were like any other night and I had no down times or bad moments. The third and fourth nights I remember dreaming about randomly beating up strangers as I walked down the street in my dreams. It didn't matter who it was or what they were doing, I made sure that in my dream I picked a fight with them. I how ever did not wake up angry in the morning and everything seemed OK. Those were the first dreams I have remembered in a very long time and now two weeks later I can still remember them as if I just woke up from them minutes ago. This is known as ANGER.. Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time.. I sat in bed and asked myself a million questions.. ( Why did you have to go?, How am I going to make it with out you?. ) I mostly doubt myself that I will be able to go back home to my normal life and function as a normal person again. I have realized in a time like this it is not wise to doubt yourself. I suggest you surround yourself with all the family and friends you can. I'm trying not to make the mistake of becoming sheltered so I try to make myself go hang out with a friend at least once a week, just to get out of the house. I know I said before I haven't really had time to grieve, but there really isn't any such thing as a time to grieve. I have already achieved two stages of it without even knowing it, but it comes when it wants to, not when you have time..

  Every grieves differently and the most important things to remember is no two people are the same, never let anyone tell you how long it should take for you to stop grieving or that it will go away.. You are you and you know you better than anyone else ever will. It's a day by day struggle, but if your reading this I hope that in some way I can help you or we can help each other.