Does it get easier?

Does it get easier?

It has been almost 9 months since my mother passed. Even though I know she is in a better place it still feels like she just left. It still does not feel real and every day I think about picking up the phone and calling her. The last three days have been very hard for me. Today is a good a day, but the past three days I was angry and sad. There were plenty of times I'd be in the middle of doing something and the tears would just roll down my cheeks. My cousin who lost her mom 4 years ago says she still has this problem. I can say that I luckily do not have to go through this completely alone. I laid in bed last night and couldn't fall asleep and all I could think about was my mom. I politely asked her to help me fall asleep because I had to much to focus on today to be tired and next thing I know I woke up. I'm not sure if it was her or if I was just tired enough to finally pass out, but I thanked her anyways. I'm not sure that it truly gets easier, I think the thoughts just become less. No matter what everyone always tells you to think about the positive things. The day my mood started to change I said something to my husband about it and he told me " she wouldn't want you to be sad babe". That was comforting to me, but than again my mother knew that I suffer from Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder.  What you don't know is that my husband experienced the same loss about 3 years ago now. He's a man though so he's good at hiding his feeling and never really seems to have any bad days because of it. 

Even with everyone that I know that have experienced this kind of loss whether it has been 3 days, 9 months or 9 years they all say and feel the same way. As time goes on it gets easier to bare, but the loss will never stop hurting. It is up to you to find ways to cope with it. Find a hobby that will replace spare time so you have less of it to dwell. Believe it or not, I eat soft batch chocolate chip cookies three days a week because they were my mother's favorite cookies. It helps me to feel closer to her. That is one positive thing that I can incorporate into my life to keep her alive for me. 

The hardest part is realizing how much you counted on that person in life. Whether it was for a conversation, to see at get together's, email once in a while, or whatever it was. I use to have a habit of calling my mom on the way home from work and that was the hardest part to get over.  I still have days where I want to call her on my way home, whether it's to complain about my sister or my day or to see what she did that day. That part gets easier so I would imagine the rest does too. Just know that in some ways yes it  gets easier, but it will never just be a second thought. I hope this helped in some way, I know it helps me to be able to write about it.