The loss..

The Loss

      Let me introduce myself, my name is Nikki and I am 30 years old.. I suffer from anxiety, bipolar disorder and manic depression. I decided to start this blog because I just recently lost my mother. I never in my wild dreams it would happen so soon, but that's how most of us are. Generally with the "it won't happen to me" attitude. My mother passed away on Jan 16,2016 due to a mix of pneumonia and kidney failure. It was more the kidney's then anything else, but to make a long story short she had been sick for years with different health problems. 

   As I myself am fresh at learning to deal with this, I wanted to start this blog so that maybe I could help someone else through this process. It will be a tell all about my days and how they change from one moment to another at any given time. I will also be throwing in some helpful tips as well as sites that have informational things on them. I have to say I give credit to all the people that have lost a loved one and their ability to deal with it. Yes I have lost many other family members over the years, but I have to say losing my mother has been the hardest yet. I did lose my aunt three years ago brain cancer and that wasn't easy either due to her being like my second mother, but still not quite as hard.

   Most people take their time with going through a loved ones items and normally it takes a few months, maybe even a year before they get to that point. I on the other hand have not had that chance. I had to start sorting through my mother's things the day after she passed. I haven't really had time for to fully sink in that she is not here any longer. I am currently at my parents house and every morning I wake up and wait for my mom to get out of bed, but it never happens. I feel as though she is on vacation some where that I am not and just has not returned.This is where DENIAL comes in.  I guess that is one way you could look at death, is as a permanent vacation for them. I am glad though that my mother is no longer suffering from any of her medical ailments and that she is in total comfort and peace. I still even at 30 feel like I am trapped in a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. 

   Like I stated before I really haven't had time for it to fully sink in that my mother is no longer here, so I haven't really started the grieving process. I can say that due to this though I haven't had to many bad days. The night she left us was very difficult, but I have since smiled and laughed. I know to expect good and bad days and I am perfectly OK with that. I know as we all do, that death is a natural part of life even though we never want it to hit close to home. No matter if you know it is coming or not you will never be fully prepared for it when it does strike. 

   The night my mother passed away I cried myself to sleep. That was no big deal to me and I completely expected that to happen. The next couple nights were like any other night and I had no down times or bad moments. The third and fourth nights I remember dreaming about randomly beating up strangers as I walked down the street in my dreams. It didn't matter who it was or what they were doing, I made sure that in my dream I picked a fight with them. I how ever did not wake up angry in the morning and everything seemed OK. Those were the first dreams I have remembered in a very long time and now two weeks later I can still remember them as if I just woke up from them minutes ago. This is known as ANGER.. Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time.. I sat in bed and asked myself a million questions.. ( Why did you have to go?, How am I going to make it with out you?. ) I mostly doubt myself that I will be able to go back home to my normal life and function as a normal person again. I have realized in a time like this it is not wise to doubt yourself. I suggest you surround yourself with all the family and friends you can. I'm trying not to make the mistake of becoming sheltered so I try to make myself go hang out with a friend at least once a week, just to get out of the house. I know I said before I haven't really had time to grieve, but there really isn't any such thing as a time to grieve. I have already achieved two stages of it without even knowing it, but it comes when it wants to, not when you have time..

  Every grieves differently and the most important things to remember is no two people are the same, never let anyone tell you how long it should take for you to stop grieving or that it will go away.. You are you and you know you better than anyone else ever will. It's a day by day struggle, but if your reading this I hope that in some way I can help you or we can help each other.